I wonder why exactly I have the friends I do. Halloween was extremely odd. Went to the game at my school, met up with Girl Scout(who IS really a guy, but thats a long story...), Tiff and Ott. About halftime we decided to leave, we were kicking butt anyways, 44 home to 14, and went to get ready for the rest of the day. We all went to Otts' house where we met up with Weaver. Thats where things started getting a bit odd.

Ott convinced me to go running with him, in the snow. The snow, I found out after falling off of a steep hill that looked level, that it came up to my waist and I couldn't move. Completely dry when I went inside though, still dont get how that works.

Came time to get into costume. I went in black pants, black long-sleeved shirt, and a white cape. We decided I was an angel of death. Tiff wore a cat outfit, complete with the cute little ear headband. Ott just went in a clown mask, and Weaver mysteriously told us we would have to wait for his outfit. He leaves to change, leaving us to wonder.

Weaver comes out in a bloodred dress, lowcut, complete wit a stuffed bra to give it "body," rainbow toe socks, black tight/pant thingys, and a foot and a half sword. No one talked for about five minutes. Then, classic moment, Weaver strikes a pose and askes, "So, do you think this dress makes me look fat?" We cracked up.

Night was going perfect, Girl Scout even showed up later as a pirate. Thing is, it was a girls costume, and it was pink. He was also wearing hot pink playboy bunny socks.... and he got his little brother to do the same, just different colors. Then the night went downhill.

We had a stalker. This car kept following us. Tiff and Girl Scout walked by and got the license plate number. Didn't matter, car went away after that. Then we see Thorny Boy. Tiff promptly walks up to him, slaps him, and starts tearing into him about how much of a jerk he is.

We left early, went to Burger King to get something to eat, and saw, the King. A group of guys walk in, dressed as a warthog/werewolf, a vampire, king kong, and then The Burger King himself.

We get back to Ott's house, Tiff leaves early and we watch X-Men Origins. I go home around 11 o'clock, and then, around two in the morning I am woken up to Ott calling me telling me he just got a text from Tiff saying "See you in the next life, if there is one." Turns out she took 30 Ibuprophen, trying to commit suicide. We couldn't get hold of her, no answer on the phone, anything.

About a half hour later I get another call. Weaver managed to get her to throw them up again, but she didnt sound right for the rest of the night whenever we checked up on her. I went to Ott's house later that day to hang out after Weaver went home from spending the night there, and find out Tiff is doing better.

Sometimes it makes me wonder what makes me love them all so much. Maybe because they're just as insane as I am. Some of them Clinically so, but we are all a little messed up mentally. Affectionatly called the "Retards." God only knows why I stay around them, but I do, and wouldn't change it.

Aight, so recently, my dad decided he was going to move us out of my childhood home, to a new place, out of the ghetto.

Nothin major right?

Well, at least thats what I though till I saw where he was planning on moving us.

The evening started out with clothes shopping for the upcoming schoolyear. I was happy, I'm a girl, shopping for new clothes. I was in my element. (Not really, never been much of an avid shopper, but new clothes are nice. Right?)

Got 4 new pairs of jeans, a new Sturgis shirt, and some shorts. Everything was cool, and then dad mentioned we were going apartment cruising. Seeing possible new places to live.

Now, there were more than a few near my school for this year, figured it would be cool. Now, I'm not looking forward to this schoolyear. No offense to those of you who are, but this school is infested with preppies, my sworn enemy.

You should have seen the houses.

Girls in short frilly skirts, spaghetti strap tops, high heels and flip flops, and the cute little prep haircuts I absoloutly loathe.

Every place we looked at just screamed, "PREPPIES LIVE HERE!!! HOOD RATS UNWELCOME!!!"

Oh, I found out something today. Did you know there was such a thing as a vacuum for your lawn?

I didn't. Why in the heck do you need a vacuum for your lawn? Beats me. Preps......honestly.

I breathed a sigh of relief when my own run down, beat up hood came into view.

I may have resented the fact that I had to grow up in it, but the hood is my home. It's been my life for the past at least 15 yrs. I know how to take care of myself here, I know how it runs.

When I'm at my uncles, a big time lawyer, I am completely lost. I don't fit in, I don't know how to react, I don't know the first thing about how they live. Except that its luxurious. Each one of my cousins has their own jet ski. Tell you something?

I'm pretty sure I am not going to live past the first month once we move. At least going to a prep school, I have my familiar homies to keep me rooted in sanity, and keeping me from turning to the dark side. Once we move, thats all gone.

I am gonna die, I really am.

Help me?

Messing up any and every ones trust I ever cared about. How do I do it? Will anyone ever figure it out? Who knows.

Because I can't control my hair trigger temper, I blow up often. Latest one ended me up on the wrong side of the law. Don't worry, everythings cool, no one seriously injured. No one but me.

Well, physically, at least. Mentally and emotionally, I'm just about ready to collapse and go hermit crab on everyone. My closest friend, the one i've basically told everything to, doesn't feel as though they can trust me any longer.

That one hurt the most, and is still hurting me even now as I write this. The other night made it diamond hard and clear how bad it was. They couldn't even handle talking to me.

I didn't sleep that night.

I cried.

One of the few times in my life i've actually cried.

Yeah, I'll let one or two tears escape, but they're usually gone before anyone notices

That night my heart was torn into pieces with vinegar poured over the wounds. As if that werent enough, white hot needles were stabbed into the remaining peices. I couldn't move, just curl up in agony.

Detailed enough about my pain?

I didn't sleep for hours, wondering how I could have possibly let myself alienate one of the few people in my life that truly mattered to me.

Everytime I thought the pain would finally abate,

It came back.

Stronger.

More unbearable than before.

I got up that morning bleary eyed, went to the couch, and promptly lay down and did nothing for another few hours.

Finally I forced myself to get up and eat, so my blood sugar wouldnt kill me.

It tasted like dirt.

I don't even remeber what I ate.

That night was the final, forceful blow.

This time, I messed up big.

Yeah, my family didnt like me, but then again they never had. I was dirt under their feet. A little hood rat from the south side ghetto. An embarrasment. Who cared about them?

My true family and I are mending things.

This tore whatever I had cared about totally apart.

They're the one that helped me to the decision to make things better.

Then in one moment I threw it all away in a moment of thoughtless rage.

Yea, go me.

Screw your life up worse why dont you?

Whatever, I don't care about my pain anymore.

All I care about is that I am totally sorry.

And it doesn't matter.

Becaust look, there I go again...

Killing them some more.